Jim
You’ve been gone a year now.
But I saw you last night out the corner of my mind
in that nether world between sleep and wake.
A ghost, a memory, or a tattered fragment of a dream?
Real, nevertheless.
You can’t erase all the years we had
by simply stopping breathing.
You are here almost every night.
Sometimes angry, other times sweet, or serious
Just like it used to be.
I don’t miss what you had become
but I miss what you were before.
Before your mind was stolen, your being erased.
Maybe that is what I am seeing,
your stolen self, the missing pieces that disappeared over time
coming back to remind me in tiny glimpses
of the real times we once had.
Jim – year 2
I don’t want to remember the anger
The kind that came out of nowhere like a summer storm
The anger I swallowed from unfair attacks
I know there were good times
Too often, I just can’t find them
I remember comforting, cajoling, calming the waters
while I screamed too – inside
I don’t want to remember the hard times
The angry times, the shouting, stubborn times
Was it the disease or did you just become mean?
I don’t want to remember your anger, or mine
We had a good life – once
My mind tells me we did
But, when I try to remember
What I see is the anger
The sadness
The bad
Maybe forgetting would be a blessing
Jim + 3
You are still there on the fringes
almost every night
But not as prominent as before
Nor as angry.
Still always aware of you
Worrying – what you need
How will you react
But aware you are gone too.
Dreams, memories
Weird things
Tangled fact and fiction
Neither good nor bad.
I wonder if this is forever
Just always looking over my shoulder.
Jim +4
Four years gone; I’ve moved on.
Really?
Your shirts; still in the closet.
Memories; still in my heart.
You’re there in most of my dreams
Most often just a faded presence
Bad time memories are disappearing
Memories of good times, not so fast.
Is my memory fading or
just recalling the
hurts and pain?
You weren’t the same
towards the end
That much I remember.
I hung in there because
It’s what you do
And, because I cared.
We had a life together
made a family together.
Those things didn’t change
Even when you did.
Now sometimes I even stretch out
Edge into your side of the bed.
Sort shirts, give some away
Ready for what life sends my way
I’ve moved on.
Sort of.
Jim +5
Five years since you quietly slipped away.
The terrible storm that night
You waited till we were all there
Then, one deep sigh and you were gone.
But you are still here, so often
In the phrases I use or choices we make
The kids don’t see it but I know
Your spirit persists in the way they live.
You are still there almost every night
On the periphery of dreams
Not quite present but
Never really gone.